|
"Trowa's Secret"Written By: Emerald Pillow Pairings: 1+3 Warnings: Yaoi;Langauage,death fic Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, you can try
to sue me, but all you'll get is a cat with a half mask like Trowa
(But, her name is Duo...) Comments: It's from Trowa's POV and the story
is about a little secret that he's been hiding from Heero...I hope
you enjoy. Rating: NC 17 Trowa's Secret Part 8
I ended up having to wait all morning in the waiting
room until they finished with the patients that were scheduled for
the day. I didn't get called until nearly three. Though I had argued
with Wu Fei, he ended up missing his demonstration to oversee my treatment.
Leaning against the wall, I slid to a sitting position.
I haven't felt like this since the Veyate exploded. Without meaning
to, I remembered something that Heero had said shortly after we met.
He told me that dying hurt like hell. I laughed at it then. At that
time I was foolishly believing that the pain that came with death
couldn't compare to the pain of living. Tears came to my eyes as I held myself tighter. Even
the simple task of breathing made my chest feel as if it was going
to cave. Just like last night, I wanted Heero. I wanted him to come
with me and hold me afterwards. I wanted to hear him say that it was
going to be okay. Not that it ever would be, I knew it wouldn't, but
I believed that just hearing him say it would ease the pain. "Trowa, you should be resting." Wu Fei scolded
as he kneeled in front of me. I bowed my head. I didn't want him to
see the tears that somehow managed to escape. "I can't. . .Heero's. . ." Even I could hear
the pain in my own voice. "You're expecting too much from your body right
now. You need to rest." I pushed myself to my feet. I felt as
if I was going to pass out, but I still pushed myself. Wu Fei was
right. My body was too weak to do much of anything right now, but
I still tried. As far back as I can remember, I've pushed myself to
the limits and sometimes beyond. It was the only way I knew how to
live. I managed a few steps before I fell to my knees. Wu Fei attempted to help me, but I pushed him away.
I still had problems being close to people at times that I'm the most
vulnerable. I remained kneeling for a moment or two, trying to regain
my strength. I couldn't understand why the pain wasn't subsiding.
Usually it did after ten minutes. It's been an hour now. "Why won't it stop?" I asked, more to myself
than anyone else. Deep down I already knew why. "Because your body is weak. You don't rest the
way you should." "Am I suppose to stop living?" I never thought
I'd ask something like that. Most of my life, I cared less rather
I lived or died. . .now I wanted to live. . .I wanted to be with Heero.
He was the only thing that's going to make it hard for me to leave.
Thinking about this only increased the threat of my tears. I wasn't
sure why I was being so emotional now. It was either because of the
medication they had me doped up on; or because I finally surpass my
maximum stress level. I didn't really care about that. Right now, I was more
worried about getting to Heero. Some of my strength returned during
the few minutes I kneeled on the floor. It was enough to get me away
from the clinic and to Heero's dorm room. I was glad that it was storming
outside. My tears could easily be confused with the rain. "It's none of your business." Heero's voice
sounded peeved. I risked peeking through the crack. Heero was sitting
at the head of his bed; his back was resting against the head board.
Duo was sitting cross legged in front of him. "I just want to protect you." Duo claimed.
His back was to me, so I couldn't see if he was being sincere or joking
in some way. "Protect me?" Heero wasn't amused. "Look, he fucked up Quatre. I mean so badly that
Q won't even tell me what happened between them." "Don't make me repeat myself." "But. . ." "Duo! Whatever happened between Quatre and Trowa
is between them. It has nothing to do with us. If Quatre doesn't want
to tell you, then you can't force him." Duo sprang off the mattress,
clearly offended by Heero telling him to butt out. "It's easy for you to say that because you don't
even care about Quatre, but I do. Just as I care for you. Trowa's
really messed him up, I don't want the same thing to happen to you."
"It won't." "How the hell do you know?" "Because I do!" I turned from the door and
leaned against the wall. "Is it wrong that I don't want you to get hurt?"
"I'm more than capable of taking care of myself."
"Have you ever asked him what happened?" "No." "Why not?" "Because I don't care Duo. I don't care what happened;
all I'm concerned with is what's happening now." There was an
uncomfortable silence. Somehow I knew making an appearance now wouldn't
be wise. I listened to the dead silence as I thought about what Duo
had said. "Why do you want him any ways?" Duo's voice
silenced the silence. "He won't even let you fuck him."
"Sex isn't everything." "What idiot told you that? Especially since he
use to fuck Quatre's brains out every night. Now he's with you, and
it's like no ring, no nookie. Don't that strike you as odd?"
My heart stopped as I waited for the response. "You are so worried about everyone else."
"What's that supposed to mean?" "Just what I said." "I'm going to find out what happened between those
two, if it's the last thing I ever do." "What's the point Duo? Are you trying to find fault
in Trowa in hopes that I would leave him?" "The reason that I want to know is because it's
destroying Quatre." "Ever occur to you that it might be partially Quatre's
fault?" "Trowa never does anything wrong, huh?" "And Quatre's perfect?" "You know. . .sometimes you're just. . .a . ."
Duo lowly snarled and I could hear someone advancing toward the door.
Duo's voice was just on the other side of the door. "You know,
he missed class today?" "Don't you have some digging to do?. . .and don't
forget that the room's mine tonight." "Like you'll ever score. If I caught you doing
anything, it'll be the hand jive." With that he pushed the door
open a little more. "You're not even lucky enough to get him
to suck your dick." "Yeah, but when he does, at least I don't have
to worry about him getting caught in my zipper." "Bastard." "Slut." "Slut?" I seen the tip of his black braid
spin around. Heero must really be in a bad mood if he was provoking
Duo to continue fighting with him. He was trying to unleash most of
his anger on the loudmouth. "You sleep with whoever buys you a drink."
"Jealous?" "Not in the least." "I think you are. Since, after all, you're not getting any." With each word, Duo was getting further away. I wasn't surprised that he found away to hit on Heero, but I trusted him. "You know, we could fix that though." His voice was filled with seduction. I leaned over for a quick look, curious to see how Heero would react. Duo was now crawling up the bed toward his prey. "I have no problems with sucking your dick." Well, one thing was for sure, he didn't believe in personal
space. His face was only inches from Heero's. "Not interested." Heero stated nonchalantly.
"That there. . ." Duo growled as he stood
up. "That was wrong. How the hell are you going to go and tease
someone like that?" Heero didn't respond. He just glared at Duo,
clearly getting annoyed at the fact that he was still there. "I
guess you learn from the best." Duo grumbled and headed toward
the door again. I pushed myself from the wall and acted as if I had
just arrived. As I reached for the door knob, it swung open to reveal
the unhappy gothic king. I guess when he fell on his ass it knocked
the smile from his lips, since it seemed to be missing now. "Nice of you to finally show up tardy boy."
Duo snapped. "What's the matter Duo? Fall off the wrong side
of the bed this morning?" I kept a straight face as I enjoyed
the scowling violet eyes. I heard Heero snicker at the remark, and
Duo studied me closely, trying to determine if I had been eavesdropping.
Finally deciding that he didn't care, he pushed by me
and headed for who knows where. I looked back at Heero. Now that I
could better see his face, I realized just how pissed off he really
was. I stepped into the room and closed the door behind me. I leaned
against it for a second, before taking a place on the bed next to
him. He didn't speak. He didn't even look at me. "I thought you were sick." I could tell he
was controlling himself. "I was." "I stopped by between classes. . .you weren't there."
"I was at the clinic." "Are you okay?" The anger disappeared from
his voice and was replaced with concern. Now was my chance to tell
him everything. I could finally put everything out in the open and
stop lying to him. . . "Yeah." What the hell was wrong with me? I
could have told him. Have I gotten so use to lying to him that I've
become a chronic liar? Why couldn't he see that I was lying? How healthy
was our relationship if I couldn't confide in him? "You sure?" I nodded. I didn't deserve him.
I was too low life to deserve to be with someone like Heero. He deserved
better. He deserved someone who wouldn't lie to him. . .who wouldn't
make him worry. . .who wouldn't hurt him the way I was now. "You're
hiding something from me." I looked up in shock. He did know
all along. "Aren't you?" I didn't answer. I couldn't find
my voice to answer him. I only stared at him, wondering how he had
found out; how long has he known? He slid closer to me and took my
hand in his. "Trowa, if you are hiding something from me, just
tell me. You don't have to tell me what it is. I just need to know
that something is causing you to act like this." As I stared
into his eyes, I wanted to cry. This had to stop. The lying. . .the hiding. . .the fear.
. .it all had to end. I refuse to continue to put him through this
any longer. Regardless of his reaction, I had to put his mind, as
well as my own, at ease. I pulled my hand from his and stared at the
floor. I knew that if I was going to do this, I couldn't have any
sort of contact with him. "Heero, I. . ." I. . .am. . .sick. Three simple
words, yet I can't get pass the first. I closed my eyes and pushed
from the bed. I walked over to the window and stared out of it aimlessly,
trying desperately to find courage. "I think we should see other
people." Where the hell did that come from? What was I thinking?
He was quiet for a moment before speaking. I couldn't look at him.
What was I doing to him? Why was I constantly tormenting him? "Is there someone else?" His voice was hurt
and confused. No one would be able to replace him. That's what I wanted
to tell him, but I didn't. "It would just be better for both of us right now."
"Why's that?" "I'm not ready for this. . .it's going to fast."
"If you need time, I can wait." "I don't want you to wait." "Why not?" "I don't know how long it'll take." "Doesn't matter." "It's not right to put you through this."
"I would do anything for you." "Then forget about me and find someone else!"
I tried to leave. I couldn't stand being there any more. Heero sprang
to his feet and placed himself in my path. "I don't want anyone else." His tone was so
inviting. I closed my eyes and turned from him so that he couldn't
see my face. . .so I couldn't see his. I couldn't stand seeing the
hurt confusion in his eyes. He cupped my chin in his hand and forced
me to face him. "Trowa, look at me please. . ." I couldn't.
I knew what I was doing to him. . .at least this way, it'll be the
last time I would hurt him. "What's the real reason you want
to call it quits? You can tell me. . .whatever it is, we can work
through it." "No. We can't. I'm not going to hurt you anymore."
"You're not. . ." "Yes I am. You just don't know." I pulled
from his touch. "And that's why we can't be together. If you
really care for me. . .if you care for yourself, you'll let me walk
away and continue with your own life." I tried to leave, but
he grabbed my wrist to keep me still. "A life without you isn't worth living." "Don't say that." "It's true." "Heero. . ." "I love you." My heart stopped in mid beat.
I stared into his face, realizing what he had said. No one had ever
told me that before, and I knew he hadn't said it before. The pain
I was experiencing enhanced. It was the last draw. I couldn't take
anymore. I pulled my wrist free and ran from the room. He didn't try
to stop me. . .didn't follow me. I guess he said all he needed to
say, and he was going to leave me to think about it. Wu Fei was chained to the bed, wearing nothing but a
black leather thong and a dog collar that was connected to a chain.
Duo was hovering over him; whip in one hand, Wu Fei's chain in the
other, and wearing the ensemble of a mistress. They were both glaring
at me for intruding. Suddenly, Wu Fei's glare turned into one of worry.
"Trowa." I didn't respond. I only turned and
left, making sure to lock the door back. As I emerged from the dorm
into the rain, I racked my brain for someplace to go so that I would
be alone for a while. . .but I couldn't think clearly. The pain was
getting worse, rendering me weak again, and I was starting to get
nausea. I wasn't sure how far I had gotten from the dorm before
the weakness won over and I fell to my knees. I couldn't hold back
anymore as I started throwing up on the wet cement. Why did I push
him away? Why didn't I tell him? What the hell was wrong with me?
I stared down at my own blood, wondering these same questions over
and over again. The only reason I could think of was that I was a
fucked up asshole. I wanted him. . .the way I had last night. . .and
earlier. I wanted to feel his arms around me. . .wanted to beg for
forgiveness and a second chance, but I didn't deserve it. I wasn't
any better than Quatre. I pushed away what I didn't know. . .what
I feared. I fell to the ground and rolled onto my back. I stared
up into the rain, wanting to die. It would be better than continuing
to live after what I had done. It wasn't worth living without him.
I realized too late what God had given me. He didn't just give me
a fatal disease as a punishment for my sins. . .he also gave me a
reimbursement. If not for this illness, Heero and I would never had
gone this far; and I would still be with Quatre, someone I didn't
love. . .who didn't love me. Darkness started to shroud me. It was
dry, warm, and inviting. I closed my eyes and allowed it to take me.
Before I fell completely into the comfort, I heard someone call my
name. I couldn't make out the voice, it was too muffled, and too far
away. A moment later I was lost within the dark. ~ * ~ Chapter
9 |
